Amateur Insight

Today I realized that I am my own woman. I am me... the me now. Sure, I'm made of the me's of my past, but I can be whomever I want right now.

This oddly came from a random bout of wasting time on Facebook (I know, you never do that, right?). I had been thinking about reviewing my friends list to trim down to those who I actually consider a friend and would want to know about their life and realized that a fair number of my "friends" had (gasp!) de-friended me. What the what?! I mean, seriously, what did I do to them? Weren't we so close back in the day? Didn't they come to my high school graduation? Vacation together? Wedding? So what, we hadn't actually spoken in a few years. Big deal! I still want to hear that you're happy with your new girlfriend/fiancée/dog/job/house/child. Wouldn't you be happy to hear about mine?

Obviously not.

So, like anybody else with insecurity issues, I felt a tad down... as if I wasn't worthy to show up in a measly news feed. I guess you felt so compelled by our lack of friendship to keep your good news from me? Awesome.

Then I got a grip (a few hours later).

Who cares? Who cares about stinking Facebook? We have bigger fish to fry - like world hunger, the national budget, and an energy crisis.

Well, maybe you care, if you're still reading this, that is.

Anyway.

Looking at my "friends" list (yes, I use quotations there for a reason), I realized that I have great friends now. I look at the pictures on my desk and see my husband's cousins from Christmas. I remembered that I have many, MANY family members with whom I need to build a relationship. I have a job with great co-workers, a church family, and a handful of die-hards from grade school and college. There are friends from the places I've lived: Chesapeake, Seattle, Yorktown, Provo, and now Maryland. And these people are now all over the place! I love these dear friends. I also love my family. Who needs a list of over 300 "friends" to tell me that I have people in my life that I love and they love me too? Who needs a list to tell them that yes, they grew up - they had pals, they did stuff, and it was fun for the most part. Who needs a list to define them?

And then I decided. Not me. I do NOT need a list! And suddenly, just like that, the bad feelings of lowliness lifted. I can be whomever I want. I don't have to be who I was 5, 10, or 15 years ago (although 15 years ago I was the ripe old age of 11). I don't have to have a label (although, as unfortunate it as it is, I do believe we are still generally labeled in our life... the artsy one, the family man, the liberal, the religious one, etc.), and even better, I do not have to have a label from my past.

Of course, we all have things we would change... but I'm grateful for my experiences. I'm grateful for the friendships I developed over the years, for the times and seasons in which I REALLY needed them. They truly were my friends. And at this time in my life, I'm grateful for where I'm headed now - a strange feeling of being a little child in adult's world, doing adult things (like wasting time of Facebook worrying about a friend list).

Looking at my life now, I have a wide array of amazing things to focus on... an incredible husband, a large family on both sides, great jobs for the both of us, membership in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (and the responsibilities that come with it), and many others that would make for an incredibly long post.

These are the things that define me (for now, at least). I am a wife, daughter, sister, cousin, niece, granddaughter, visiting teacher, analyst, and friend to many (both on and offline, for that matter). And I can try really hard to be the best I can in those roles... which is time consuming enough without crazy internet distractions. Most importantly, I know that I am a daughter of a Heavenly Father who loves me, and I love Him. And I can always be better at showing that love.