Amateur Worry Wart

This past Saturday night, while pulling into the grocery store parking lot, the thought struck me that I will be 29 this year.

One year closer to thirty.

I'm not sure why I somewhat panicked at the thought; I typically enjoy my birthday. When asked my age, I usually push it forward by saying "I'll BE ____ this year" instead of stating my actual age at the moment, making it seem like I'm a tad older. The reason for this response primarily rests upon seeming more mature and experienced, especially because I have spent (and continue to spend) most of my life around others older than me.

But now, at 28, a piece of me wants to freeze my age, my life, in time. I want to always enjoy the thrill of pursuing my career. I want to be the younger one, working hard and broadening my capabilities, but old enough to be taken seriously. I also want to be just young enough to still be hip but old enough to somewhat afford it.**

But really, I want C to stay in this adorable pre-tot phase where the minute details of the world are incredibly intriguing. Where finding the letter A and number 8 in a parking lot causes excitement. Where seeing a new face walk in the door makes her literally jump for joy (a jump that consists of bent knees, raised arms and confident yell of "JUMP!" while pushing up to the tips of her toes). Where we play and sing together, where she still takes a nap, where we cuddle while reading books.

Over the course of writing this post, the realization hit me that while I'm  apprehensive about my own aging process (am I where I thought I would be? Am I on my way? Am I at a point in my life where I can remember my parents being that same age?), this isn't at the core of my anxiety.

To be sure, I'm concerned that my fantasies of the future won't come to fruition. It is nice to have a bright hope of what is to come in my imagination, rather than actually face it. I think most of the time I would rather picture my life with more children, wonder where we will settle, and day dream about the family vehicle and different activities that may fill our time. And so I go on guessing, rather than actually moving forward to make something happen. The unknown can be a bit daunting, right? Not to mention the potential of failure.

But what I think I'm truly worried about is losing control.

I'm frightened at the aspect of the child I already have growing up, going to school, getting on the internet, having a phone, and spending more time interacting with people that aren't family than with people who are. I'm scared that the horror stories I've heard of people I actually know happening to my child. And the older she gets, the less control I have over the world that surrounds her.

How do you protect your children? Can you protect them for the rest of your life?

I'm also fearful that one day my sweet daughter will not want my protection or influence. That she will grow up and have a different life and may not want me to be a part of it, or may only let me play a small role. It makes me sad.

So, I selfishly want time to slow down. I want to remain the center of her universe.

Looking back, I feel quite badly for my own parents. They love and care for me (right now, as they did in the past, and as I know they will continue to do so), just as I do for my own child. I hope my own daughter isn't like the kind of daughter I was (I like to think I've slightly improved). I hope she is a good kid, who makes good choices, and always puts her family first. I just wish I knew the magic formula to guarantee such a result.

So, in the midst of resolutions to lose weight, floss and read more, and to organize, I've got nothing. There is a lot riding on 2013 - but a lot rode on 2012, and even the years prior. Before I know it, it will be 2014 and I'll be thirty and C will be turning three. But right now, it is 2013, I'm still 28, and my body is still warm from holding my 16-month-old in my arms with her head resting on my chest. 








**I'm not saying that I am indeed hip, but I do like to try to be cool. Don't we all?