I'm officially 18 weeks along with our second child today. I'm also officially two pounds over the "higher end of recommended weight gain"(why did I google "pregnancy weight gain calculator" today?); but most notably, I'm officially excited to welcome this new child into our family.
Don't get me wrong - we planned for, hoped, and wanted to have another child at this time. I've been grateful ever since I saw those two lines on a Sunday morning in January (the same Sunday, coincidentally, a very sweet lady at church exclaimed, "are you pregnant? You're GLOWING.").
Up until about last week or so, I did nothing but worry about what it meant to pregnant again. What does this mean to my marriage, my first-born, my job, and so many other aspects of my existence?
Finally, I decided to take all the fears I voiced to close friends to a moment of prayer. I expressed my selfish concerns - primarily being that this bundle of joy will unhinge the fine balance I finally achieved. We have a decent rhythm to our routine, and I feel confident in my contributions to my home and office. Additionally, I'm aduquately feeding my spiritual, physical, and social life. To be sure, this balance came at no easy cost, and was quite gradual. I know another child will disrupt this life, and it took so long for me to find peace and ease. None of this felt comforting; rather, it was all quite unsettling.
Don't get me wrong, I also have an idea that there are boundless levels of love and joy to be found in growing our family. I'm just scared. I'm scared of the cost and the unknown.
I also feared the changing of my relationship with Corinne, not to mention our family dynamic. On Saturday and Sunday mornings, I love when Scott brings her into our bed and we enjoy one another's bushy-tailed company. Sometimes I just lay there and look at the two of them, in awe that this is our happy, little family.
Sadness comes when I realize that we won't have these moments with Corinne any more come October. There will be another little one, demanding time and attention and precious sleep hours. Not only that, but we won't really have the same one-on-one experiences with this new baby as we did with Corinne. How will this affect Corinne? How will it affect our relationship with our second child? What if it is a girl? Can I really have another daughter I love and already admire so much?
Needless to say, I had (really, still have) a lot of "how" and "what will I do/what will happen" questions.
I expressed all of this and more in my prayer. Thankfully, the spirit understands I'm not a patient woman and I didn't have to sit still for too long. I immediately knew my answer - faith is the opposite of fear.
For roughly two and half months, I operated solely on fear. Faith cannot exist where fear festers. It was critical to replace my fears with faith.
I need to have faith that I've done this and that I've learned a few things. More importantly, I must trust Heavenly Father and His plan.
As I sit here typing, I glance over at the video monitor of Corinne sleeping. It's been a rough night for our little gal - allergies, we think. I hope she feels better.
I can't wait to see her be a big sister. I hope she loves this little person as much as I already do.
"Wherefore, be of good cheer, and do not fear, for I the Lord am with you" - Doctrine and Covenants 68:6
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5 comments:
Yeah. It can be a little disconcerting. But I think the answer is, you don't have a finite amount of anything: Love, desire, patience. You don't have to divide the amount of love that you have to give. Somehow, it miraculously grows and multiplies, and while it may be chaotic and unscheduled and crazy, your new one will fit into your life and you will wonder how your family ever felt complete without him/her. Congrats by the way! And good luck with that fear thing... You can do it!
PS- My one of my verification words was "his"... Maybe you are having a boy ;)
I wondered a lot of this when we were pregnant with Preston, especially since Spencer had been an only child for 8 years. Different story though when you have a toddler who doesn't understand that the new person in your home taking so much of mom and dad's time is really a good thing. ;) But I've found out that it just works. Things fall into place, not at first, it takes a little time, but it does fall into place. You guys will bring in this new little person and make it feel like it's won the family lottery!!! How fun! :) C is gonna love them and it will melt your heart when you see how they interact with each other, my favorite part of seeing Spencer and Preston together. You will be fine, and do great. Congrats and keep that faith stronger than the fear. ;) Love you!!!
You hit the nail on the head! Well, the answer you got hit the nail on the head. :) FAITH! We all gotta have it! It's kind of funny, just when I was feeling I was in a good place and had a good balance in life, after Ben, was when I had the thought to have another. You'll be a wonderful mother of two! Congrats and happy mother's day!
Mary thank you so much for writing. You are such an exceptional writer and you express things I am feeling but just haven't been able to put into words. I know what you mean about fear...wow, I worry about those same things. It seemed to take a while to find my stride & now that I have it we're going to throw it out the window! But yes, it will be amazing! I'm glad we get to go through it together; your words are always comforting.
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